Love Is…..

”Do you have any clue as to how much you annoy me? I ask you for one thing, and you can even do that right. What sin— what crime did I commit to deserve a daughter like you…? Tell me, do you enjoy seeing me in anguish? Does it perk up your day to see me like this? I— I was just trying my hardest to be a good mother to you, since your father doesn even care for your pitiful existence. And you… You just can have that, can you?! ”

Mother slams her fists on the wall. Streams of tears run continuously down her cheeks, falling silently on the carpeted floor. Her head is hung low as she speaks.

”You once told me you didn choose to exist, remember? ”

She sounds comically amused, her eyes meet mine.

Of course, I remember. Id said that without reasoning, without considering the consequences. The look in her eyes right after Id said it told me she would forever hold it against me.

”Well, I didn choose to have you either dear. Nor your bedridden sister. ”

She gives a side-eye toward the bed, then returns her gaze to me.

”You know… When I was pregnant with you… I thought about abortion so many times. I even came close to doing it. But Alvin— I mean your grandfather, always caught me somehow. Hed always chastise me, then lock me away for it. Id find myself wondering why he wanted me to give birth to you. I didn think you would be anything special… And, unfortunately for both of us, I was right. ”

She glances at the bed again.

”And your younger sister… It was different with her you know. I actually wanted to have her. It was like I knew I would love her. She had eyes and hair like mine, she was basically a carbon copy of me! Unlike you of course… ”

Her gaze on me is scornful, but only lasts a split second as she continues with her monologue.

”I thought, maybe she could replace you. Be better than you. Make me feel like I was actually someones mom. When she was born five years later, I… I really felt it. That motherly love towards ones child, you know? ”

She gazes expectantly at me, and I nod wordlessly.

”I raised her, and she never once made me feel like an incapable mom. Even when she became a teenager, she didn rebel like my friends told me she would. She was my perfect little Isabelle. ”

Her tone grows harsh and regretful.

”But then… She got sick. After everything I did for her, she got f*cking sick! The doctors said it was a brain tumor, but I knew the truth. ”

She gives me a dreadful look, tears welling up in her eyes.

”It was just her trying to tell me that Im a horrible mother. That I didn do enough for her, and now shes gotten sick! She was trying to blame me for her pathetic illness! ”

Mothers eyes grow wide in turmoil, her fists clenching.

”I begged and begged her to stop. I begged her to return to her normal self